SF and Fantasy Movie Reviews Starting With C
Call Me Genie (2005 Russia) 
Genres: F Com Rom
The young male romantic lead is utterly devoid of personality but the movie manages to not have too much about him and his boring girlfriend and instead more about the genie and the bad guys. The genie is cool and sings a nice rap song; I docked the movie one point for unskippable previews but it made it back with the rap song. The genie is kind of a rough character who has seen a lot of the world (he's 7000 years old), the opposite of the personality-less nice-guy protagonist who is like eighteen; nice contrast there. The genie actor conveys that well, he looks all stubbly and seasoned . . . and he's younger than me.
Well, I'm not going to swear. I don't swear because I figure it's unflattering, that's the only reason. Although it's more than usually tempting, at something like this. I mean, how long is it reasonable to hang on to my vanity . . .
Camelot (1967)
Genres: F Mus Rom Com
Watched: 15 min
The opening scene is Arthur whining about his women troubles while waiting to lead his troops into the tragic final battle, which is an acceptable level of pathos for a heroic legendary situation like this presented in entertainment. Traditionally, however, the language used for these occasions is rather more interesting than his third-grade prattling. One is well advised to be sensitive to this sort of thing and so be warned by it. Because if one isn't put very much off by this slap of mediocrity in the face of the elevated subject matter one will be bowled over by the next scene where Arthur sings. Ay-yi-yi. I don't know which is worse, his total absence of singing talent, the generic Hollywood musical music, or the shoddy and disgustingly cutesy lyrics. How very democratic. Camelot for the rest of the populace, those who couldn't tell the flower of chivalry from a head of iceberg lettuce.
Then as now, a dead knight is worth more than a live peasant.
Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1973)
Genres: Hor
Watched: 30 min
Why in the name of all that is good and holy doesn't my boyfriend dress like this???
The Cat in the Hat (2003) NR
Genres: Adv Com F Kid
Watched: trailer
Does whimsy equal a freak show? Who cares! People love freak shows more than whimsy, so guess where the money's at. Mike Myers's stock portfolio.
People are free to create and consume freak shows. It becomes less conscionable when the consumers are children, and when it's sold as based on a sweet popular children's book. On the other hand the presence of Mike Myers is prominently advertised. The reek should be obvious miles away, so parents can make an informed decision. But it is difficult to curtail a child's desire to see a film all the other kids are seeing, and they sure are, because it's been advertised heavily. And so -- won't someone please think of the children?
The Cat Returns (2002 Japan)
Genres: Ani F Adv Kid
Sweet! These people understand cats. And little girls, of course; it's made by Studio Ghibli, the little girl empowerers.
The English dub shows proper respect for the material. Can you tell who the Cat King is? Doesn't really sound like him, but I'll give you a clue -- he has the King's eyes, and has voice-acted in many other animations.
Cat Soup (2003 Japan)
Genres: Ani F Short
Two kittens, spunky Little Brother and poor zonked out Big Sis, embark on a perilous and highly surreal quest to restore Big Sis's soul. It's an interesting view of a cat's place in relation to those pulling the strings. Except either of the cats I have would be quietly and cutely delighted to see the other cat get attacked.
The Cellar (1990)
Genres: Hor F
Watched: 30 min
A family of clueless hicks moves into a house in the middle of nowhere infested by an angry Native American spirit.
The dad in this family is pretty freaky. He normally plays bad guys I think, which makes more sense for him. He can't make believable nice expressions. But then he's supposed to be a hick and country songs are full of how men are snakes, so it makes sense. Also he'd make a good porn actor, because he has a nice body and they usually can't make believable facial expressions either. The mom is kind of freaky too.
I like the kid though; he drives his pet lizard around in his remote-controlled toy truck. Not that I advocate harassing little animals, but I admit that it's very tempting. But he seems to use a soldering iron as a voltmeter to test the servo on his toy plane.
These people take horror very well. The dad goes into the cellar and is scared by something and flees, then goes back to messing around with the kid. The kid sees some kind of cellar snake push up his floorboard and then sees something drag off his pet lizard under the cellar door, but appears to shrug it off and keeps playing. My feeling is, if the cellar has something scary that makes you run away, you move out right away. Maybe it's because I'm Jewish, and this here is normal hick behavior. Indeed, you almost never have a movie where monsters attack Jews (e.g. Godzilla vs. the Jews), but hicks is a staple.
You'd think the medicine man would guard the spear that guards the evil spirit soup from bubbling up, instead of watering the tractor. If I were a medicine man and hicks on three-wheelers were zooming around my demon-retaining spear I'd be worried. I guess the ways of medicine men are mysterious.
Cemetery Man (1994 Italy)
Genres: Com Hor Rom
Fairy tale about a cemetery keeper (Rupert Everett) with supernatural problems. The Italians just love zombie movies! But they also love love. In fact the Italian movie title is totally different -- Faster, Sex Zombies! Love and death is a funny combination and funny horror is always worth a look, but this movie also treads some deep waters. The plot may be viewed as a metaphor for the hero's existential problems. Italian movie people are very attuned to their personal problems and center their lives around them, blissfully stylishly. Rupert Everett, the ex-Italian-fashion-model, kills zombies, loves, and suffers very stylishly.
This is a great date movie. It has zombies and nude chicks and also Italy and nude Rupert Everett. No frontal, though (look on the Internet). And romantic places to make out, like the ossuary. I never thought of cemeteries as romantic but I think one of the points of this movie is that they are, very romantic.
Chain Reaction (1996) NR!!!
Genres: Act SF
Watched: 20 minutes
A "Renaissance genius," concerned that the earth is hopelessly polluted and the population is hopelessly out of control, leads a smallish team of, scientists? I dunno, the babe is a physicist, what the rest are I don't know. But the leader is a "Renaissance genius" so maybe they are like psychologists, architects, and dancers. Anyway they all make an amazing breakthrough in this out-of-the-way warehouse: a cheap clean source of abundant energy! As far as I can make out they are confusing nuclear fusion with separating hydrogen from water for fuel . . . they extract the hydrogen from the water and burn it and so a glass of water "can fuel the city of Chicago for a week." The way that they accomplish this is they zap a water bubble with lasers while playing tunes at it. It's called suspension of disbelief. The trouble with me may have been that I'd just come home from the rock climbing gym so I was suspended out.
Then right on schedule a van of villains shows up to sabotage this wonderful development. They plant a little bomb under the water tank, and this causes a miniature mushroom cloud and a wall of explosiveness that radiates from the center, leveling several city blocks. See, they indeed have got some hydrogen fusion elements confused into this setup. Blow it up and you get a miniature hydrogen bomb effect. Although Fred Ward (police investigator) said it wasn't a nuclear bomb.
Anyway I didn't stick around to find out who the villains were because it's totally obvious: greedy oil companies.
Oh, and Keanu Reeves (the machinist) is fat! And the physicist babe also looks more fleshy than she does in The Mummy. Fat on girls looks much better than fat on guys, so she looks plenty cute. Reeves looks better in The Matrix. Unless he's bearish; then a bit of fat can work I guess. Kind of like a big hairy satyr; that'd be cute. No, I don't mean Reeves; I don't see him as a satyr. Well, I mean I do see him as the youthful kind, but I was thinking of the grotesque, leering kind. This kind is more meaningful so that's what I think of what I think of a satyr. A young man is a young man; it isn't as meaningful or elucidating to put goat hindquarters on him.
Chicken Little (2005) NR
Genres: Ani Kid
Watched: trailer
Thank goodness that in reality we're mean to our farm animals and keep them in crowded little cages where they have no freedom for self-expression.
Here's a poem:
Route your stash through your holiday bird.
You'll get high just the same; it's transferred.
It grows up in a box;
No-one cares when it squawks.
Happy birds are more tender, I heard.
A Chinese Ghost Story (1987 Hong Kong)
Genres: F Act Rom Com
A sensitive and aesthetic love story with horror and wackiness, baffling in the badly-translated-Chinese manner. Here is some advice the Taoist swordsman gives his sparring partner:
"Hsia-Hon, we're fought for 7 years & you're always lost. For the sake of the title, you've become biased! You're petulant but not concentrated enough! You've to cool down if not you can win lust."
And this is the height of lucidity compared with the exchange in the official's court. As the Taoist says, "I don't understand all those nonsense."
I guess I shouldn't make fun of the Engrish, that's like shooting fish in a barrel. But this movie's subtitles are particularly baffling and funny. Although I can't give it credit for being funnily incompetent. Undoubtedly there was all kinds of native-language humor I missed because it's too much to expect these people to have conveyed it when they were having basic grammar and vocabulary issues left and right. It's strange that all this money was spent making the movie but they couldn't find a decent English-speaker to do the subtitles.
There is fun fighting on and off, although there are some lulls where I was getting a bit bored. The boring bits tend to be toward the beginning, although the zombies are cute. The action speeds up toward the end and the final long flight/fight is lots of fun. The Taoist's musical number is delightful, and the demon tongue is really cool.
A Chinese Odyssey: Part 1 -- Pandora's Box (1994 Hong Kong)
Genres: F Com Act Adv Rom
At first I was pretty baffled -- it seemed like an entire movie of "All your base are belong to us!," but the rating went up fairly quick from 2 to 3 to 4 and then 5. I've got to see the sequel quick! But until I have it, I'll rewatch this part so I understand it better, and also because it's great twice in a row, it's that good and baffling.
It's so content-rich that I got another new movie's worth of content by rewatching! And it was also a great five-star movie!
The plot is loosely based on a Ming-period novel about a Buddhist monk's pilgrimage to India with his four animal disciples to retrieve some sacred scriptures. This information may help you get your bearings. Ha!
This is one of the funniest, most gorgeous, and most insane movies I have ever seen. Only something this insane can pack so much into one movie -- it's so many things at once! On top of all aforementioned aspects it's romantic, dramatic, and deeply meaningful! Only for example, it illustrates an important moral of humor: If you kick a guy in the crotch it's funny. If you kick him again it's less funny. But if you keep doing it it becomes funny again.
A Chinese Odyssey: Part 2 -- Cinderella (1994 Hong Kong)
Genres: F Act Adv Com
Continuation of the above. Do the Chinese understand this movie the first time they see it? I'm betting no. Which is good because it's so wonderful they'd otherwise be in danger of overdosing. So much happens, enough for many viewings. The jokes come thick and fast and they're wonderful and wildly varied -- all kinds of humor. The writing, directing, and acting are top-notch. It looks great too -- the costumes, the makeup, the effects. There's so many terrific touches, each time you view it you see more. Like, the way they show bits from the preceding movie but this time, in a way so that another aspect of the situation becomes elucidated.
In the US, when you see a movie you like you might try to find other movies by the screenwriter or director and it might possibly lead you someplace useful, but there is usually little correlation. Because there are so many people involved that it's impossible to pin down goodness or badness -- kind of like with a corporation, it can be evil but the people working there aren't necessarily, they're just doing their jobs, even though the overall corporation is doing really awful things. But Hong Kong is much smaller so it works better. I wanted to see what other nice movies writer/director Jeffrey Lau did and thus located this nice movie I saw years ago that I'd forgotten the title of, and he starred in it -- Combination Platter (1993). Also I looked up movies with the Monkey-God protagonist and he's done a good number which look interesting and reviewable, but they aren't necessarily available in translation. So the Chinese suck too, why don't I get to see those movies? And when they are available the translations usually suck. Like what's with "Pandora's Box" and "Cinderella"? Who the heck thought up those titles. Everybody sucks.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968) NR
Genres: Com F Mus Kid
Watched: video cover
Stars the dreadful Dick Van Dyke whose grimacing in Mary Poppins gave me the willies. (However, the
Chocolat (2000 UK)
Genres: MR Rom
This fable's heroine is kind of like Mary Poppins; she even arrives blown in by the wind. Except that she doesn't deal with kids, but rather with grown-ups, and so she and her approach are much more sensual. She is armed with Mayan chocolate magic with which she battles all the rampant small-town no-fun closed-mindedness.
The main problem with this film is that the video cover is misleading. It shows her sensuously feeding chocolate to Johnny Depp. But there is very little Johnny Depp in the movie and almost no fooling around with him.
The other problem is that although there are several stories in this movie, they all have exactly the same theme and point. It gets, ironically, kind of preachy. Instead there should have been more Depp.
The Chronicles of Riddick (2004) NR
Genres: SF Act
The movie centers around a dark new religion that's engulfing worlds, but strangely there's hardly any clues as to its nature. Obviously it involves silly hats and bad architecture, but that's not much of a distinguishing characteristic among religions, so we're back to square one. It promises an afterlife in the Negaverse -- wait no, that's Sailor Moon; this one's the Underverse. Again, promise of an afterlife -- still no new information. Well, we do know that this afterlife has a definite location; you go west, keep going, turn right at that planet, and you're there -- the Underverse planet. And what the heck, you have to start someplace with a new religion, and someone will work out the details later. Fun! When you join this religion your life sucks real bad because you have to become like a Star Wars stormtrooper, except with a lot crappier leadership. It takes ten of you to kill a normal civilian, and also no-one bothers to explain to you what all this stuff you're doing is all about. You might think you're converting people to a better religion, but you don't know anything about it. And you're not so much converting as killing a bunch of people and then kidnapping a hundred random ones or so to convert and then leaving, with a bunch of people left behind on the planet, which is now labeled "done." None of it makes any sense and that's really no fun. When someone sticks a knife in your back you don't even bother to pull it out because it's just not worth the effort, given how little pain this adds. When you die you can retire on some stupid alien world that no-one bothered to explain to you what it's like, but your present life is so bad that that sounds really nice anyway.
I cringed and winced through the fight sequences. The cinematographer is insane in general, but the action sequences are something else. Not only is it impossible to say what the combatants are doing most of the time, because the camera is whizzing around sickeningly, but when a glimpse of the fight choreography is offered, that's insane too. The only good thing about the fights is that there aren't so many. They toned down the insane camera-work some in the last one. It would be a really bad fight sequence in a normal movie but in this one it's a relief.
There are some enjoyable aspects to this movie. The volcanic planet is pretty. It's insane too, of course. Over here, it's 800 degrees, but if you stand behind a rock, it's a bit warm, but you're basically OK, like five feet away from the 800 degrees.
I enjoyed the Alexander guy from Xena. I think the look he has here works quite well for him, given that he's all scowly-evil. It's pretty cute. The shaved guy is OK too, but not nearly so much so. He's an integral part of this movie so I can't think of him separately from it and the movie sucks so bad.
Cirque du Soleil: Journey of Man (2000)
Genres: F Mus short
My reaction was naturally that of
It might not be as nice seen on TV as the way I saw it, at the science museum mixer -- on a really big screen, in 3D, and a little drunk -- that was pretty cool. 3D has a skanky reputation and is pretty much only available in amusement parks and science museums. That's ridiculous -- 3D rocks.
City of Lost Souls (2000 Japan)
Genres: F Act
Watched: 50 min
The action takes place in Brazil but it's plainly not a Brazilian movie but a Japanese one. There is all this stupid macho posturing. The Japanese love that. Or maybe Americans love that too but I don't see those movies because it's plain from the previews that this is what they're like but Japanese previews are too cryptic. The cockfighting CGI rocks, but there is very little of it, and other than that nothing worthwhile happens. There is a lot of crapping and some peeing . . . but I'm grasping at straws here.
The Clowns (1971 Italy)
Genres: F Doc
Dir: Fellini. It's a documentary but it is here because it reaches into the psyche into such a fantastical place. Or various fantastical places. I was mesmerized and so happy to share in this wonderful vision. My boyfriend was horrified. So it affects different people differently, but strongly. If it doesn't affect you strongly you should probably see a psychiatrist.
The Company of Wolves (1984 UK)
Genres: F Hor
We didn't watch it all in one sitting because we'd get tired of it, but it was engaging to have it bit by bit, indeed like a fairy tale might be told, evening to evening, the story wandering whimsically like a twisty woodland path. It's "Red Riding Hood" for older little girls, with the rebelliousness and the budding sexuality.
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Genres: Act Adv F
By far the best sword and sorcery movie.
A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court (1949)
Genres: Com F
Boring sappy comedy starring Bing Crosby, based on a Mark Twain story.
It's a great deal more light-hearted than the original. Twain's story ends in an enormous slaughter of all knights and the stench from the rotting bodies was so great that everybody else died too!!! It was an accident. The guy from the future who caused it with his futuristic technology felt pretty lousy about it. Strangely, all this isn't presented as humorously as it sounds -- Mark Twain can at times get melodramatic, it would seem.
The Core (2003) NR
Genres: Act SF
Watched: trailer
Actually I don't remember the trailer, but since I hadn't seen the movie, the trailer must have been scary. There's no way my boyfriend would miss seeing a new action SF movie if it weren't. Probably it also got bad reviews because he really would have liked to see it and would have checked the reviews before agreeing to give up on it based on just the trailer.
Cowboy Bebop: The Movie (2001 Japan)
Genres: Ani SF Det
It is not necessary to have seen a single episode of the
The Craft (1996)
Genres: Dra F
Silly but watchable drama about the issues of teenage witches
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000 Hong Kong)
Genres: Act Adv F
The Chinese have been making movies like this by the hundreds. What's different about this one is it has some pretty camera work and it's really slow like a damn European movie, so you know the point isn't just the fighting. It's all pretentious and wants to be taken seriously, so it also avoids the wonderful slapstick and banter which the better Chinese martial arts movies are replete with. It can't possibly work because wire-suspended fighting is inherently silly-looking and needs crazy over-the-top jokes to go with it. And the male lead is completely not hot.
(In fact I find it's a foolproof policy to avoid any movie with this guy. He exists in an alternate universe of which there are many in our complex world where good movies would seem to really suck.)
The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (2001)
Genres: Com F Mys
Woody Allen detective story with magic. It's not funny enough to carry the whiny and irritable characters and otherwise it's not actiony enough to be a real detective story. But it's OK.
Cursed (2005)
Genres: Hor Act
Predictable plot twists and many instances where if the characters just did the non-lamebrained thing the movie would end (like, predictably, they'd run off without severing the werewolf's head and so, in accordance with this movie's werewolf rules, he'd get up and go after them again).
Still I might give it two stars for entertainment value but the best joke was lifted entire from Buffy. They can do that?
Please note that all material on this page is Copyright © 2005 by D. Aline Lurie.
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